Friday, April 20, 2018

Fishing

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way.
However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
Thus, the democratic party symbol was born.

Friday, March 30, 2018

Including Me

On election night, Karl Rove tried to shift credit for Trump's election from people like Steve Bannon to Paul Ryan. I almost vomited.

Few Republicans Would Be Sad To See Paul Ryan Go - Rasmussen Reports®

Ryan seemed to have been better lately, only to lay that piece of shit Omnibus spending bill at Trump's feet. He is a Republican having a mid-western, un-religious format. Such are truly progressives in their basic belief system buffeted by a pragmatic revulsion to welfare. Paul Ryan absolutely believes in corporate support and pork. The RNC calls me periodically for money, and I have told them more than once, that they are getting no money, little as it would be, from me, until Ryan and McConnell are gone from the leadership. They as leaders have acted against the wishes of the voters who put them in control.

Adios MF

Americans Strongly Support Citizenship Status on Census

Rasmussen Reports® that more than 4 in 5 poled supports questioning citizenship status as part of the census. To watch the network news, you would think that the world was coming apart at the notion of attempting to learn where we stand as a nation. The negative position being taken is a smoke screen for disguising an intent to hide some painful truths, like there are some significant pockets of illegal immigrant residents, that are overtaxing social services, and adding to general sense of lawlessness.

I suspect that this is the case on many issues, the liberal press would have think that the nation is evenly divided in support for, them, the enlightened, opposed to deplorable racist remainder.

Americans Strongly Support Citizenship Status on Census - Rasmussen Reports®

While it would not be accurate to call them racist, it is accurate to describe the press and liberal advocates as predisposed bigots.

Friday, March 23, 2018

Omni Butt

Paul Ryan has driven in the last nail of the argument, he is a Democrat.
He easily sides with Democrats.
He uses Democrats to pass progressive spending bills that he creates.
This man hoped to become the Vice-President and continues to be the torch bearer for the Romney Republicans who have no chance for control, and act as if they are uncomfortable with having control.
Ninety Republicans voted against the Omnibus Bill 127, as all should have.
That the budget pays lip-service to President Trump's signature campaign plank is nothing short of a stab in the eye of the President. Some Democrats are bragging that the new bill prohibits any money being spent on a concrete wall.
During the early Obama administration, does anybody remember the Republicans screaming that the Omnibus bills were being rammed down the throats of resistance without an opportunity for reading, review or debate? This is the same thing and no surprise because the leadership is governed by progressive principles.
Here is a link to the voting record, that my Representative, David Scott, voted for the bill is enough for me to reflexively hate it.
FINAL VOTE RESULTS FOR ROLL CALL 127
There needs to be a Republican revolt in Congress, McConnell and Ryan need to be demoted so that they can start publically wearing the Democrat ass-hats they've hidden in their closets.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
  8. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  9. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  10. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  12. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  13. Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  14. Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  15. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  16. Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
  1. Wrap it in cheese.
It's not my theme or anything, but it is fair to say that I hate cats. Cats are pets that bite the hands that feed them. When I was a youngster my little brother Douglas would always be looking for his cat(s), living so close to a busy street, the standard response he got was "Did you look in the street?"

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

UNICEF Buggery

Trick or treat for buggery.
A child rights activist named Peter Newell, contributor to UNICEF's "Implementation Handbook for the Convention on the Rights of the Child", has been convicted of abusing a 12 year old boy.
As found at The Times, of London and via Red State....
A “child rights activist” convicted of abusing a 12-year-old boy managed a charity that received hundreds of thousand of pounds from the NSPCC, Barnardo’s, Save the Children and Unicef.
Peter Newell, who wrote a manual on children’s rights published by Unicef, was jailed for multiple counts of historical sexual assault on a child aged 12 when the abuse began.
Newell, 77, was listed as co-ordinator for Approach, a children’s charity active across Europe, Africa, Latin America and Asia until the allegations arose in 2016.
He was jailed last month at Blackfriars crown court after admitting five charges relating to the rape and indecent assault of a boy under 16.
The Daily Mail site reports 
News of his imprisonment comes amidst warnings that predatory pedophiles are exploiting the aid sector after 125 British charity workers were accused of sexual abuse in 2017.
The later explaining comments on the web that  United Nations is rife with predators. Knowing the way that John Bolton has described the United Nations, as having in internalized overestimation of worth and a disregard for effectiveness, it is unlikely that any real study of the situation or purge will take place. 
A strange time, for centuries, religious people rejected the acceptance of homosexuals to positions of dominance over children. The fear, as I remember it openly expressed, was that children could be preyed upon by adults with dubious interests. Society has been, in the last 50 years, cajoled into an acceptance of all adults, preferably homosexuals, as being homogeneous in terms of suitability for responsibly.  Generally I am inclined to agree with treating all persons equally, but add that all adults should be mistrusted until proven otherwise.
It is a shame for the Catholic Church and the United Nations, to be characterized as havens for homosexual predators. There is truth in the accusations, and in both cases the organizations failure to qualify membership has severely harmed reputations and blurred objectives.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

The Egg Came First This Time

From the site Coconuts Jakarta we see a variation on the age old question, which came first the chicken or the egg. A story titled
14-year-old Indonesian boy claims to have laid 20 eggs since 2015, hospital suspects eggs were deliberately inserted.
Do ya think?
Or is it feasible that some dumb child, with an anal fixation, has been sticking things up his ass for pleasure? Not that anything is wrong with that.
Apparently this has happened before. You have to love the comment...
In Indonesia, there are at least two people who have claimed that they can lay eggs through their anus. One was an old man, who was soon established by medical professionals to be, figuratively and literally, full of shit. The other is a teenage boy, whose case continues to confound doctors today.
The boy has a bright future as an imam, if he doesn't become some goat's bitch first.
At least the man writing the article isn't confounded by the boy who puts things up his ass.


Thank Heaven for Immigration

I see now, why this is so important.

Wandering Cowboys


"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
  3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Four

While golfing, I took a quick turn to avoid hitting a big chuck hole, and accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very beautiful and attractive woman, who lived right there on the edge of the golf course heard the noise, came running out of her villa and shouted, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up I noticed she was wearing only a silky see-through bath robe which was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a VERY nice figure.
"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself out from under the twisted cart.
She said, "Please follow me to my villa so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head, then you can rest a while, and I'll help you upright the cart later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come on now," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any more scrapes and treat them if so."  Well, after all, she was really pretty and very, very persuasive.
Being sort of shaken and weak, I finally agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We walked to her place just a 100 yards away, and after a couple of Scotch and waters and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall even more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."