Davis Cup Suggestion (CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN)

For those of you familiar with GOPU, the Davis Cup title is named for the classically inappropriate Rob V. Davis.

LOL...Just get the towel first...E.I. said..."I think I need to find a better toilet picture"...Lawyers Are Important Too!

How to Use a Bidet
By Bill Roberts
Fri 24, Mar 2006
I gave my wife a bidet for her birthday. I thought it compared favorably with the anniversary several years ago when I gave her a sump pump. Alongside a pair of 2-caret diamond earrings, or a gem stone bracelet, the sump pump had seemed so … well, functional. And so did the bidet. If we can get the same longevity out of it, it will be well worth the purchase price.
The idea of buying a bidet did not come entirely out of the blue. We are putting an addition on our house and, since my wife is an avid Francophile, we thought the model in the picture books would be a handsome addition to our other plumbing fixtures.
As with most Americans, however, our experience with bidets has been limited, We consider ourselves sophisticated travelers. We have visited such exotic places as China, Japan, Myanmar, Thailand, Venezuela, and of course France. But have we ever used the bidets in our hotel rooms? Does anyone?
Bidets are an oddity to most Americans. We eye them on first encounter with an unease bordering on suspicion, not understanding their purpose. They are the object of much speculation about how to use them, how they should be approached, what thing-a-ma-jig does what and when they flush. (They don’t!)
Our bidet was the first of the new plumbing fixtures delivered to our remodeling construction site. As such, it sat out in our bedroom where all the workers had to walk around it for their lunch or smoke breaks. Occasionally, I could hear them discuss it: “What’s it for? Do you pee in it? Can you wash your feet in it? How does it work? Is there a lid? What do you sit on? Do you back up to it?”
“Why don’t they buy a roll of toilet paper?” one asked turning from the discussion, a hint of derision in his voice. His question was followed by an inaudible answer and a scattering of laughter.
I was increasingly proud of my worldly knowledge until one night my wife turned to me and asked, “Why are we installing a bidet? I don’t even know how to use it.”
To find the proper answer, I turned to the internet. “Ask Jeeves (now Ask.com) seemed like the perfect mate to my question. “How do you use a bidet?” I typed.
And with one question, a whole new world of bathroom talk, sometimes scatological, opened up to me. One correspondent described his bidet as “psychedelic.” Another noted that although a bidet “sounds weird at first, once you try it you’ll never like rough, scratchy toilet paper again. . . Which is more civilized…scraping poo off yourself with wads of pressed tree or gently splashing it away with soothing warm water?”
On an internet site with the unlikely name of The Sneeze, there were 34 pages of chat room comments and anecdotes – some serious, others not so serious – answering questions about use of bidets.
“They are not just for asses, even though that’s their primary use,” one proponent explained. “ Poop, wipe and wash. Bidets were used as birth control before other methods were widely available…women would wash out semen right after intercourse…Both men and women can use it after sex to wash their tools…Bidets are still widespread in brothels.”
“Dude,” an American opponent countered, “the Europeans are crazy. You get the same cleaning experience by using a ‘wipey’ … without all the hassle! They (bidets) are so primitive. Wipeys are the way to go. They leave you fresh, clean and smelling good…”
Not so, another European said rebuttal. “Wipeys do not AT ALL feel the same as cleaning yourself with water and soap on a bidet.”
One chat room participant, modestly covered, demonstrated the bidet’s proper use in a series of pictures. Another, from Korea, lauded the high-tech Asian version of bidets with “heated seats, programmable controls and even blow-drying…”On a visit to the Greek Isles several years ago, I saw a crude form of bidet used by soldiers of ancient Greece. Water from a diverted mountain spring flowed through a trough permanently carved into stone. After straddling the flowage, the soldiers used sponges affixed to sticks to clean their butts.
The sponges were stored in containers scattered along the running water for reuse. Today, the crotch is wiped dry with a towel that hangs alongside the bidet. Critics contend that unless the user is meticulous in assuring cleanliness, this towel can become overburdened, which explains the Asian advances in blow-dry attachments.
Before you think I’m too crazy, I went to a Home Depot the other day and there, on full display, was a bidet. “How do you use it?” I slyly asked the young clerk.
“I really don’t know,” he replied.
“Well, do you sit down directly on the porcelain? Or is there some kind of a seat.”
“I think you face the back of the bidet,” he said. “You sort of straddle it. That way you can control the hot and cold water faucets so you don’t freeze or scald your patootsie.” As he replied he glanced nervously toward my wife, but she has by now grown familiar with my habit of drilling for answers.
When we were choosing “our” bidet, we learned there generally are two kinds of free-standing bidets: One that spouts a fountain of water straight up; the other shoots the water from the rear so it hits the area to be cleansed at an angle. Both are effective; the choice is personal.
A friend of mine once visited a Japanese home where they had the angled spout on their bidet. Their model, it appeared, included the latest in Japanese technology: a heated seat, pressurized water flow and a control board containing several rows of electrical switches. Unfortunately, the instructions were in Japanese, which he could neither read nor speak.
Baffled by the array of switches, he began trying them one at a time to determine what would trigger the flushing mechanism. On pushing one, he was startled when a high-pressure stream of water shot out from the rear of the toilet to the opposite wall, splashing onto the ceramic floor. He pushed the button again, and the stream stopped, but it was too late.
Grabbing a couple of towels, he tried mopping the floor only to be interrupted by his host who was concerned about the length of time he had been away. Then the host, flustered, got down on his knees and joined in cleaning the mess.
Some men have the misconception that a bidet is only for women. Not so. Cleanliness is the primary purpose for both men and women.
True, a bidet is of special importance to females for cleaning their vaginal areas, especially during and after their menstrual cycles. And it certainly is welcome for cleaning after sex, but should not be relied on for birth control. But cleanliness before and after sex is important for men also. Ask any woman.
The most frequent usage is daily after a bowel movement, or any toilet function that soils the body or creates an odor. For that reason, the free standing bidet must be located in close proximity to the toilet where the process begins.
So here, for my wife and all those who care about the proper use of a bidet, is the official word on how to use a bidet, as culled from the comments of my internet advisors:
It starts with an assumption that a person will wipe with toilet paper to get rid of the bulk of the waste, and that the tp will be flushed away. But protocol calls for a switch to the bidet for disposal of any remaining waste.
Approach the bidet face to the rear, straddle the rim and align your bottom with the water source. In front of you are hot and cold water faucets. Temper the water until it is warm, adjust to the desired pressure and let the flow remove any left over waste.
Stopper the drain and use soap and a washrag if you wish, or need to.Now that you are squeaky clean, dry with a towel unless you are ahead of the game and already have a blow-dry device.
The bidet, like any other bathroom fixture, has to be drained, rinsed and disinfected. But if you are diligent, it will, like your other body functions, give you many good years of use.
Still in all, if you buy a bidet and everyone is too squeamish to use it, your bidet will make a great planter, Buy a bag of potting soil and plant flowers.
Sweet, smelly flowers.